Mothman
so... needless to say, I'm kinda bitter about the fact that I was up until 2am or so the other night writing this long ass entry on here and my computer freezes... I always save the stuff and was about to, and irony kicked in on me. 
oh, makes me so happy. *smile*
...not...
so, y'all know the routine... it's not like I'm gonna jump right back in and write it all over again the next minute I can. nah... I just decided to put it down for a couple days and forget about it. whatever.
so, it's 11:43 or something here... I have to get up at 7. I rarely have been sleeping since I got here and it kinda feels good. It keeps me a little more on a track to pace what I do during the day, I'm always exhausted after the morning block, so I'm taking a mid-afternoon nap... and my job isn't as physically demanding as some would think. It's tough for those kids on the field, but for me to run around a bit, do what I do and make it through a day is taxing, but not a huge chore for George. (thank God).
so, this corps is doing rather well... I'm quite pleased with everything I'm seeing and hearing. to all those peeps that thought it wouldn't be a good idea for the corps to go yamaha... ...just wait. them's are makin' gooder sounds now. me likey!!!
well, i am partially biased, considering i play on a xeno B-flat myself. 
(and I love it)
man... everyone just got back. they went to see the Mothman statue. yeah, so.... you know that movie Mothman Prophecies?? yeah, we're about 30 minutes away from that city... Point Pleasant, WV. haha... kinda creepy, yo! I didn't go but I saw it last year when we were here.
I'm gonna be really sad to bail on these bloo-kids. but i have my other job to get done and I need most of the summer to do it. it would be so nice to make another trip to work with the corps on tour, but it looks like they've got things pretty wrapped up as far as the staff goes. we'll have to wait until next year I guess.
I have a crap load of stuff to do tomorrow and monday... ugh. 
send in my final rent payment for conroe apt., mail my energy bill (which is now a week late), mail my mom some checks, make a million phone calls, blah blah blah blah and blah. ...oh, and more blah.
life is a fun and intriguing game... I've been dealing with some interesting issues lately and it's gonna be nothing but a blast seeing what comes of the rest of the summer. I can only imagine how hellish a lot of it will be, but at the same time... ...so much to look forward to.
ignorance is bliss...
life is beautiful.
life, love, beauty.... 
Rîø Gråñdé
hello from Rio Grande, OH... where the weeds are thick, allergies are killin' me and the temperature got up to a scorching 59 degrees today. horray for all the reasons I moved away from the midwest in the first place. 
booo!!
Some people can't stand the weather in TX... after what happened around April 24th and the 6-12 inches of snow they got here... ugh... screw that!
So, it's after midnight and I'm thankful I don't have to get up really early tomorrow... brass block starts the morning. But I think Erin and I will have to make a wal-mart run sometime before lunch to pic up some things for the corps and also other things I neglected to pack, like a pillow and a blanket. yeesh... I mean, c'mon yo, I packed the air mattress but forgot something to rest my head on and something to cover my shivering body in the 40 degrees on a/c they have cranked in the middle of the night. wtf? it's awarmer outside. Last night I litterally slept in my jeans, socks, long sleeve shirt and sweatshirt hoody with the hood covering my head... I was friggin' freezing.
well... luckily I was able to copy/paste this cuz I lost internet just now... and as fate would have it, lights are out and I can barely see a thing. haha. 
ah well... I'll have time tomorrow to write more.
take care all...
Take Two
Okay - time for take two of this entry that I started last night.
Besides all the stuff I had to deal with as far as sleeping arrangements and my lack of packing the right stuff, I'm about to head down to wal-mart in a bit to get what I need. sweetness! last night, again, was cold. not as cold as the night before but that's because Monday afternoon is was pretty hot outside and they had the a/c in the building cranked. And the temp dropped below 50 outside in the middle of the night. They turned it off by the time the afternoon hit yesterday but it was still freezing in the room I'm in. It's like some wrestling room, but without all the mats and padded walls and stuff. Anyway, it's nice because there's no windows and no light coming in... but just cold.
Anyway, enough complaining. Things here are going well, as I said before. Funny how being away from it for about 9 months, and jumping right back in, I kinda missed it but I forgot how much fun I have while doing it. As of this moment, I'm still warming up into it as I get used to the new members, working with the alternates, absorbing the new marching style (which isn't hard to get) but once things get settled, hopefully by tonight or tomorrow, I'll feel back at home with this corps like I was most of last year. Last year's situation is more complex than anyone might know or understand. Just being away 8 of the 14 weeks the corps was on pre-tour/tour, there were a lot of things I missed and I missed getting to know certain staff members enough so we could all be on the same page regarding a number of issues that had to be dealt with. Or, maybe it had a lot to do with my inability to be more mature about certain situations. I don't know. I feel I handled a lot of the problems in an all right manner, except a couple in particular... Indianapolis for one. That was pretty stupid.
But with me only doing this for 2 weeks, it's almost predictable that I might not wanna leave at the end... but I have to. I have not been slammed with any scores/count sheets/numbers yet to even start a single page of drill yet, but once I do it'll be work work work work work!!!
I'm excited though to write this year... geez, it seems like I keep talking about that. yay for drill... yay for getting started... so pumped... arrgh! but really, it's gonna kick my ass! it always does. I think I just need to be a little overly excited about it so I go into it with a little more of an aggressive attitude. This way all the breaks I might have or the blocks I run into, I will at least have the momentum to plow through a little better and get things done with some good quality. Considering I lost so much time to write last year with being on tour and moving, I hope nothing crazy happens that screws up my schedule for this year. (meaning, nothing big like moving twice in 2 months and teaching corps at the same time).
I'm sitting here in one of the staff rooms now. It's actually the nicer one that I wish I were in. But I'm fine with my hole in the wall. Lunch is in... ummm... geez, an hour. Gosh I'm hungry. ugh! The vis staff got to sleep in today and I wanted to go to Bob Evans with Poehner, but that bastard is still sleeping. hahaha. Only if I had my car. But the place isn't even a mile away... I could just walk. But are you kidding? I'm lazy as hell right now. And there's a Subway up the road too... probably closer. But the hills?? meh... ...I'll just cry a river. Gosh, I'm actually sore after all the running around the field I did yesterday. Mitch's drill is great this year. Much better than last, in my opinion. But it still makes you have to run around to see everything and that makes it more fun as a tech. I watch the music guys and some of them park in the same spot. I know they'll be runnin' their asses off later on the pre-tour, but there's not as much they can do when we're putting music to drill for the first time. So, them being 'out of the way' makes it easier for me to move around. Plus, the guard has been learning work the past day and a half, so that's another element missing from the field. I remember Ride last yearm and with like 7 vis techs, 3 music and 3 drum on the field, it was just a nightmare getting around the field.
So, now I'm killing time as we're about to start a good 8 hours of visual this afternoon and this evening. I might as well be lazy until then. haha.
I'm actually diggin' that Facebook thing... mostly because it's a good procrastinating tool for me to use while I have a rehearsal block to waste. I've got a good number of people on there and found a few I haven't talked to in years. Funny though that I'm kinda older and most people I knew in HS graduated from college like 5 or 6 years ago. hahaha. anyway, enough about me being old, because I'm not. I'm only 24.
I need to get showered and changed and stuff. gonna get all the way up to 69 degrees today. woowoo... 69.... (Amanda? ) hahaha... gosh, I miss TX weather. Yeah, it's hot there... but I hate cold. Gonna be a low of 46 tonight too... yikes. ha. I'm such a wimp... I'm from Michigan for pete's sake.
Yo, party like crazy this summer!! it's gonna be a blast! countdown to Concord - 3 months!
Star Pizza
I'm trying to motivate myself to practice trumpet, but instead I find myself spending more time practicing piano (for fun) rather than warm up on trumpet. So, I had to reloacate myself to a room without a piano. Probably the best thing to get me to practice for my lesson this week. Although, Mr. V set me up for a double lesson... whatever that means. We'll have to wait until Tuesday to see what that's all about.
So, what a weekend so far. I played my first softball scrimmage on Friday. I don't think I've picked up a bat or thrown a ball for about 5 years... litterally. Man, only if they had an IM roller hockey league. Anyway, my team lost by something like a bazillion runs... actually something like 5, but I guess we played okay considering none of us had ever played together or practiced before. I had a lot of fun though. I was 2 for 3 with a single, triple and something like 3 RBI's. Not too shabby for my first time back in a while.
So, after the game I went to David's recital. He was pretty awesome. That's all I can really say.
Afterwards, Lizz invited me out to get some pizza and ice cream with a few friends. Went to Star Pizza and then Amy's. We had a blast. Although, I was broke and unfortunately couldn't really pay for much, but luckilly Danielle was kind enough to treat me to dinner and dessert. I had the best time that night.
Well, Danny just distracted me long enough that I have to cut this short and get back to my trumpet. I've procrastonated long enough and it's time to get back with my friend, Mr. Charlier.
bye for now.
Sunshine
yo... what up world of bloggers.... I'll have to take time out of one of these days and post something real but that'll have to wait a while... or until I get some of that valuable "time".
Things have been good the past few days. Funny how the weather outside can influence your mood that day. At least it does for me. I got to sun bathe a bit the other day and I'm a tad darker. I hope to get another day in the sun this weekend.
Softball starts friday... sweetness!
Board Shorts
so, last night I busted my wrist when I wiped out on Preston's board!! haha... I'm okay though. It's only a flesh wound. But damn, my elbow hurts today. owwwie! but I was a little too drunk to try to do freestyle tricks on wet pavement. I'm such a dumb ass sometimes. but it's okay. I had a lot of fun.
Last night was Roland's and Donnie's birthday gathering. It was a great time had by all, and Levi buying a few more drinks than we had people to drink them. hehe. So, yeah... I kinda just went to town there.
Man, there was this storm that hit last night... SOOO awesome. I woulda hate to have had to fly in that weather, but damn it was cool to watch. I was sitting at Panera just looking out the window, watching lightning flash and trees blow around. So cool! I love thunderstorms.
Well, I have to get going. My battery is about to die.
Last day of spring break! party!
Clubbin’
Yo... so it's late... er, early! ha. I just went out and was out a little later than I expected. I went out with Cory, Lauren, Robin, Shelby, Johanna, Russell and whoever the hell else was there. We bounced around downtown for a bit and had a blast. I'm still a little tipsy right now, but luckily I have plenty of friends I can crash with on nights like this. I'm at Cory's now and he crashed a while ago.
Anyway, we went to the Flying Saucer at first. Tried to get into this place called Mantra, but they weren't letting any guys in. Even though there were girls with us, still no go on us. So it was a wiener fest outside that place. So, we meandered over to a place called Oxegen (O2) and spent the rest of the time there. Not my favorite place. But a fight broke out with one of the bartenders and some customer. We were about to leave anyway, but thankfully there wasn't anything being thrown but fists.
So, I went to the orchestra concert tonight. WOW that was great. It was definitely unique music, but it kicked ass. Bryan was incredible. I have never officially met the guy yet (because I rarely see him around school) but major chops.
I hope I get into orchestra next year. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for a killer audition.
Anyway, I had more to write, but I need to crash. Rehearsal tomorrow night... ugh! ah well.
night. (er... g'morning).
G
2004 End of the Year Survey
So, this is a little survey I got and posted on the Blue Devils forums that I thought was cool. Enjoy.
What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
taught drum corps, moved to a different state, wrote drill for a band in thailand, drove to west virginia and saw the stars in the mountains before the moon even came out (beautiful), bought a digital camera, moved 3 times in 6 months.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember what I said... I think it was to practice more and eat healthier... which I did! so, yes! I'll make more... but it'll be more or less the same thing.
Did anyone close to you give birth?
no... I don't think so.
Did anyone close to you die?
no
What countries did you visit?
Texas. 
ha
What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Consistancy of work... not having to move to another state... and maybe just being able to survive a summer of working without having a breakdown.
What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 15... first run.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
making it through a summer of teaching corps, drill writing, moving to TX and, most recently, getting over a serious relationship I was in for a long time.
What was your biggest failure?
I don't think I had any, but if there was something... probably the not telling the people at Panera I quit, but instead just didn't show up anymore. (that was pathetic).
Did you suffer illness or injury?
no
What was the best thing you bought?
a plane ticket to TX in the summer.
Whose behavior merited celebration?
Brittany's
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Kevin's
Where did you spend most of your money?
IKEA, Amazon.com, cheaptickets.com and Best Buy
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
moving to TX and spending time with my girlfriend.
What song will always remind you of 2004?
"You and I Both" - Jason Mraz, "Come What May" - Moulin Rouge, any song from the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack, "One Day I'll Fly Away" - Moulin Rouge...
Compared to this time last year, are you... i. happier or sadder? sadder...
ii. thinner or fatter?
right now, thinner - thanks to the summer, and my bally's trainer.
iii. richer or poorer?
richer
What do you wish you'd done more of?
relaxing...
What do you wish you'd done less of?
freaking out over little things.
Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes... very much so.
What was your favorite TV program?
CSI
What was the best book you read?
"Good Benito" - Alan Lightman
What was your greatest musical discovery?
Country music... haha
What did you want and get?
a place in TX and to get into UH
What did you want and not get?
to kiss my girlfriend at midnight on new years.
What was your favorite film of this year?
The Last Samurai
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28 this year and I didn't do much of anything. Most people forgot about it... but I did get to hang with a friend and sit around at home.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being more patient and understanding about things.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Not much has changed, but I did venture to getting some red sneakers. yeah baby! But I keep it laid back... usually a neat t-shirt from old navy or GAP, jeans, cool tennis shoes and a baseball hat. (Wonder why people think I'm so young... might be the way I dress).
What kept you sane?
Brittany... always helped me through the hardest times.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kate Beckinsale
What political issue stirred you the most?
The election... I don't get into politics that much.
Who did you miss?
My dad
Who was the best new person you met?
Ryan
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Life is what you make of it... and it's definitely full of surprises. Once you have the world in the palm of your hand, don't ever let it go. You never know how good something is until it's gone.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"...why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day that dreaming ends..."
Pinewood Derby… Oops!
I just spent the last hour or so talking to a friend about everything that's on my mind. I'm still trying to get the answers I need to understand what direction to go with my life now.
Not to say, I don't know what I want out of life or that I don't know what I need to do to be happy... but everyone I've talked to so far has given me so much input in how I should go about "moving on".
It's not the "moving on" part that I am struggling with... it's the questions of what do I do to move on and make myself as happy as I was? I guess like I had posted in my first entry, I really won't know until that time comes. But why does it feel harder to move on now than it did 3 days ago?
Earlier this week I knew what I needed to do to move on from this. And I was on that route to work to be happy again. But now, it just feels like I'll end up putting myself in a position to end up right back where I am right now. I guess it's not a good thing in life to expect the worst... but would we hope for the best if there wasn't a worst?
I can't get those ideas out of my head. How everything has an opposite. when there's a winner, there's a loser. When there's something hot, there's something cold. etc. etc. etc. But can everyone out there honestly say that when they hope for the best that they don't even think about what the worst might be? even a little bit... ??
I tend to always side on the "hope" and deny the fact that there is a worst case scenario. Like I previously posted here, in order to appreciate love and what it means (to me) then you have to accept the worst if you want the best. (Not expect... just accept that the worst is out there). That way, when something 'trivial' happens that can be looked at from a different person's point of view as the "worst", it can be merely something that doesn't even phase you if you accept it.
When I was growing up, I remember being in the end of my last year in Boy Scouts and doing that pinewood derby car race. I didn't make it past the first round (no biggie), but a kid in my den made it to the finals and won. I was so happy I jumped up and nailed this older guy in the face and knocked him down. I cried for hours after that happened... and the guy came up to me and kept trying to assure me it was alright. But I still kept crying.
So, why do I bring this up? Because when I think back to the 3 years I did boy scouts/cub scouts... that's the first thing that enters my head.... and it's the only thing that was ever "bad" about that experience. So, in a way, I tend to try and not think about those years of my life because how much I don't want to accept the sadness I endured then.... and it still makes me feel bad today.
but why?
Why can't I get over that? And why is it that everything that I believe in today revolves around how much I care about feelings I've endured in the past?
This is where I think things are at now. Regardless of how much fun I had in scouts, it's only the saddest part that I remember when I think back to it.
I'm sitting here in a cafe, looking at everyone eating lunch wondering what makes them happy in their lives. Is it the car they drive? The money they make? The food they eat? Their friends... relatives... loved ones... pets... Of course, the answer is all of the above, and many more. But someone might be looking at me right now wondering what makes me happy. And I wish I knew the answer.
So many things have made me happy in the past... but how do I know those same things can and will make me happy in the future?
When you have someone special in your life and they make you happy... no matter what the difficulties or the sadness... they can mean the world to you and they are a person that you would gladly do anything for to make them happy. But then something happens... something everyone likes to call "life". And things change... people change... but what part of what has happened in our lives thus far do we choose to hang onto? Like with my reaction to the scouts and that accident where I hit the guy, I will gladly admit that to this day, I still feel terrible for it, regardless if it was an accident or not.
So, when a relationship comes to an end due to something that made you very unhappy, is it likely you might not be able to remember the good that happened in that relationship because of the fact that what happened in the end made you feel so bad that you almost "forget" about the good? ... that's kinda where I'm thinking things are right now.
I'm only one to say what's in my mind and not what's in others... ...but why is it that when people break up and it's very sudden, even after being very in love and seemingly happy moments before... one bad thing happens and you suddenly want to forget about it because of the "bad" things that happenes?
I learned a lot in Boy Scouts... and I had a lot of fun... the sleep overs... the projects... the trips... the games... the car races... everything. But when I look back, it's so hard for me to look past what happened in the end and feel great about everything.
...so I think that's where things are now. And why people just don't want to deal with relationships after they end so suddenly. Because no matter how amazing... how happy... how much in love people are with each other... if something comes along and someone wakes up and realizes "I just don't want this anymore", then you just want something else to make you happy and find out more about why we all have "free will".
it's "free will" that happens in cases like this. Where each and everyday we live our lives, we learn more about the world... we learn about ourselves... in turn, the world learns about us and we teach ourselves who we are. But it's the free will that allows those kinds of things to happen.
I don't know anything about philosophy and how that part of human nature really works... but I do know that as easy as it was for me to forget about boy scouts after it was over, I can understand why things are the way they are for me right now.
But what happens next... finding myself? no... I already covered that. Trying to make myself happy? well, of course, but if what I had before made me happy and then it made me unhappy, how will I know what makes me happy until it comes along?
So... I'm just going to live... one day to the next... accept there's a worst... hope for the best. be happy... and content with being unhappy. I'll forgive but I won't forget... ...especially if I depend on what is said should be "forgotten", to help me know what makes me happy and to move on from there.
I was told so many times that they forgave me and forgot... but the fact is they didn't forget... they remebered, but was in denial of it... and rather than understanding it was there and using it to help push forward and make the most of it, it was looked upon as something that was more of the "worst case" and was not accepted as part of life.
---- ------
wow... someone might read all this and not have a clue as to what I'm trying to say... I just know I'm not crazy. I might be weird... but there's nothing wrong with that, right Jen?
If I could say one thing about what I've learned in writing these few entries... I learned that you have no choice but "accept" everything that is negative in this world and don't live in denial. Otherwise, you will lose track of so much that is good. No matter how much people change or how much people learn... accepting that something bad happening is inevitable. But you have to understand that first to appreciate all that is good in the world. And especially... all that is good... in your life... and what you have already lived through.
I'm gonna go back home and lay down for a while... try to think over parts of my life when I was in the scouts and remember all that made me happy those 3 years, and not think about what happened at the very end. And I'll continue to try and do that with everything I've done in my life and in turn... I have no doubt I will be happier.
~G.H.